I got a rash on my arm at work and went home early (I suspect it was the chipboard from Blick), but took a detour and got a haircut and felt a lot better after I got a haircut. I tip my hairdresser 30% because she always ends up having to get paint out of my hair. She really gets my hair. She really gets why I get my hair cut the way I get it cut. She really gets why I never change it up. She really tries to get me to change it up. She really–I like her well enough. I always try to cheat on her, but never do. I think it’s because she’s the minority in the bunch–the whole salon (whatever!!!) bills themselves as _ hairdressers (adjectivize with _ in NY and you’ve got it blanking made). Who cares, it’s just hair. I’ve got a head of perfectly straight hair, who cares. The only thing I hate about sitting there is sitting in front of the mirror. I usually sit through the whole cut with my eyes closed. I open my eyes when my hairdresser completes the cut and tucks my hair behind my ears. Presto done looks blanking good peace. I have hair rules like school uniform dress code hullabaloo. Work update: Intern III, who _ her # _ _ the other week is doing well. If the principals knew what treats I bought her with their money, they would tell me I was being excessive and I would say something like Don’t cheap out on the person who lost # _ trying to make u happy. The female principal’s voice has been getting on my nerves. The male principal’s whole presence is really just hella masc lately and really fuck him. Captain Yale treats me like a subhuman; I do the same to him a la Treat others how you want to be treated. I spent the day laughing at him while he was on the phone with real estate agents re properties for a project he is working on with the male principal: Think you’re gonna land a spot when the person you parrot can’t even pay us all on time? Think again u blank. Project manager is overly talented to be there. I don’t know why she puts up with it. Intern I is leaving at the end of the week. I like how well we joke around each other. Corona swimsuits. Intern II is being abused by Captain Yale and is completing drawings he should be cobbling together last minute. I hope she takes the office off her post-grad employers list. Intern III, addressed. Intern IV has been cramping my style and is loud Loud LOUD when’s he’s in the model shop. Last thing I said to him Please don’t throw or slam the tools. I don’t get entitled kids whose parents put them up off-campus around 14th Street while they’re in college. That’s the best way to guarantee yr kid won’t figure shit out. Maybe I just don’t like people who don’t list–who interrupt others. That’s what I decided today. I’m never going to interrupt another person ever again, unless it’s the male principal running his mouth about how they’re the best / most deserving / most capable architects in the city. I think the best architects in this city are those who have their pride in check. Who know the few things they do well, who value their employees and interns by paying all of them. Runny eggs, runny nose, runny thoughts. So I left work because of the chipboard rash and I really felt queasy while working in the office because Intern I was in there with me and she’s the one who witnessed Intern III’s accident, and after the accident and up until now, I hear Intern I’s initial verbal reaction seconds after she witnessed Intern III’s _. She called the Project Manager’s name across the office in a hyper specific tone. I kept hearing this in the back of my head and kept–god, I positioned my _ so far away from. I can’t write about it. Intern I and I agreed that, had what happened to Intern III happened to us, we’d be pissed and that either of our parents would sue. Intern I said it best It was just stupid, it all happened for REALLY, NOTHING. I think I’m done with the work update. I left my book at the hairdresser’s. A Gass, used, that happened to be signed. I want to scratch my arm with sandpaper. I want to find a better job that requires me to push work out of my hands. I want to find a better job where people value routine, their lives and intellectual development outside the office, eating dinner at the same time and outside the office every night. By now, it’s just more runny thoughts and I just want to work for architects who don’t need a Captain Yale / “creative director” (bullshit) / parrot (which this—🐦—is likely not).

I think this is all going down IRL as I_s o_ the B_ O_. I think that’s the goal. I think the goal has a lot to do with compassion. I think all else is sociopathic. I don’t know what it all means but I think it is valid. I told someone who is my Friend (emphasis on that caps F) that I am underachieving. I prevented her inquiry re my lover by asking about hers. I support her in all that she is doing. I think she will run the perfect firm to work for one day and I think she is one of the most decent architects I have met. | I love a challenge. I like New York because it’s a challenge to be here. Not to make it or anything, just to be here. Building tolerance and all that shit. Commonness, commonalities, community, even the falseness of it all–it’s good for that. At least The Island is. In my mind the Island is all that matters. I guess it’s okay to include all those who are temporarily Islanders for their 9 to 5s. | Today was a good day at work. Tomorrow will be a good day at Work (emphasis on the caps W), which is not the 9 to 5+ +Saturdays and a missing paycheck from the first two weeks of June. | Sometimes you just have to shut out all the bad shit and focus on all the good that can come out of a place, the people around you, the person you love that’s not around you. Sometimes you have to believe that persistence pays even though it mostly doesn’t bc the group politic is fucking god fearing and believes that shit happens for a reason. Meanwhile, I occasionally believe my father’s whole shit happens because the shit that happens upon a person is something some higher power knows that person can handle. Higher power is simply ours most of the time. | Too many beverages this evening, not enough water signs. The Friend shares a sign with an old lover. The old lover does not matter anymore but the new Friend certainly does. | I think about an old friend who inserts herself into my dreamspace and all she has to say there is Thank you for sharing the Internet with me. I’ve never heard the word Internet in dreamspace. Emphasis on the caps I.

Lack of compassion, insensitive, selfish, self-absorbed, self-concerned, etc. That was me thinking about my bosses yesterday while we were at B_, waiting for the d_s to get back to the family (not the 9-5/work family) about the daughter’s condition. Read: Some really blanked up shit happened at work and I had / have 0 appreciation for how my employers handled / handle themselves around the blanked up shit. Liabilities, Workers Comp, Insurance, Shop Consultants. While at the h_, I just wanted to yell Wake the Blank Up–I promise, a lot of this shit has NOTHING to do with YOU. The only reason any of this shit is resolvable is because the Project Manager was calm throughout the process. She really just snapped into This is how we will deal with this mode. All I really did was call 911. No, I’m not writing about this. It’s too much. The daughter was so positive when we stopped by to see her at the hospital tonight. We brought her a strange assortment of flowers. She tried to keep her dimpled smile on the whole time. She must have spent the whole day she was awake looking at her whole h_ mining the possibilities for the now no longer whole one. She was so positive and her positivity was a kick in the blank. I need to stop before– | Cortado. Cortado. Cortado. | My male employer likes to take an accusatory tone when dealing with me. My male employer is an asshole. In his language the way he deals is all sorts of machismist. | I like it when people on the train try to strike up a chat. Most of the time I oblige. This city is sometimes shitty and sometimes the last thing you need is yet another person who’ll ignore you. None of that made sense together, but I guess, by now, that’s the theme in all of this. | I told her to go for a swim, to participate in well-regulated socialization / distraction instead of telling her Don’t blame yourself. I gave her a hug before she went underground to catch her train. I will bring her dessert for our half day at work tomorrow. We have to work on a Saturday because Captain Yale is incapable of doing work for himself. | The blanked up shit from far above really made me want to quit. No, my employers’ attitude re the blanked up shit above really made me want to quit. Now I just have to find another job. New criteria for the job hunt: (To be continued, my eyeballs are getting sleepy and– | I bought a lemon tree.

I really like Intern I. She’s not afraid to ask questions, even when it fills her expression with mild embarrassment. That’s the way to learn. I like that she avoids jobs she doesn’t want to do. I assembled a list of Eats for her to try with or without her family that’ll be in town this weekend / in the time she has left in New York, kind of fun because I’m an interested eater.| I spent the past hour trying to find a lobster & crab joint that I went to a year and a half ago. Failed. | We took Interns II, III & IV out to lunch at the _ _ place I’ve been meaning to go to but haven’t because the friend I want to take is always too busy. We stuffed our faces and they’re all great but they’re not getting paid so I encouraged think with their stomachs and go for it. | I learned nothing at work today. Just plowed through all of my tasks. Just pretended there was some happiness in some of it. Who am I kidding, there isn’t any. I told my boss (Favoritismo, not Necessarily Second) off, but I’ll save that for a time when I can write about it objectively. | Good night.

I’m a bit unmotivated today. Backwards: UPS drop-off (needed to size down two sizes for some mismatched (not in size) shoes to work out), hunting for a plant (nothing tall enough), bank for a few bucks, OCDd apartment, dealt with super replacing my fire alarm battery because the landlords insisted they do it (maybe to check if we’re all still alive and haven’t died of CO poisoning–we’d all die from the street noise before that ever happened), went on a run, straightened out library, read a little, woke up at 5, sleep at half past 3 despite watching the show that always puts me to sleep because I learn nothing from it, invoiced a client, ate dinner that I had time to prepare, got home and the sun was out, walk home from work totally weird shit; thought about _ on the train and thought it must be nice for all those people who end up with someone they only share The Future with which is probably what _ wants but–expletive it, I understand this, but for expletive’s sake–I’m not getting into this shit, not now; walk to the train station totally weird shit (leftover pho on control box of traffic light post, chubby girl in sheer-backed blouse with the top of her buttcheeks muffintopping out of her waistband with her underwear tag sticking out of the crack and her backpack’s tasseled doodad hitting the intersection of crack tag and waistband, thinking Stan Allens* instead of Stan Smiths when confronted with a line of people, all strangers to one another, in variations of the shoe, being pointed at and called Dora by some lil girl whose mother dressed her in all black with lil faux Yeezy Boosts, a lot of those weird calligraphers who’ll write your name in worse than wingdings calligraphy on a strip of paper (god that part of town is a mess)). | Work yesterday was bullshit. I got stuck in some obsessive mental hamster wheel: What the fuck am I doing here my bosses don’t care about architecture that I care about, architecture that is at the very least socially concerned, worried about carbon footprints, architecture that didn’t get stuck in a time and if it did took the clock off the wall for 2 seconds, architecture that improves its references, architecture with resilient details, she was right, they have “like” 25 die hard fans and that’s about it, you can’t professionalize by abusing someone who can help you professionalize, architecture that gives a flying expletive, architecture that isn’t money or fame hungry, architecture that solves problems, architecture that can critique and change what it’s whining about, architecture that looks as good from a distance as it does up close, they need to start paying their interns, and me because I’m still owed a paycheck and in 7 days will be owed 2, they need to start giving credit where it is due (naming references), architecture that doesn’t come with a laundry list of awards as a way to legitimize its practice, some people must think _’s d_s are rehash of those by that architect he worked for, would it bother me if his d_s were better than that architect’s when side by side, architecture that cares past whether shit just looks good, architecture that doesn’t need to be photoshopped–I’ll stop. I’m sure I could have written that more clearly, but I’m tired because I’m underslept. | I sometimes wish everyone at work would be more honest with the principal while he’s working through the projects. It just looks bad would suffice. Or, in the case of the writing: The sun will fucking come up tomorrow.| I’m going up to work on the job I care about more tomorrow. Actual architecture, none of this All is Suffering according to one of the principals bullshit.

I left work at 6:30 today and spent most of the day thinking through and resolving projects that I’ve yet to start. But it’s good when I have time to plan (and plan in a way where my bad habits in making stuff are covered). Today was one of the few days I felt like my boss, one of them, (finally) believed me, or one where she realized that I was right about the way things could be organized. The most efficient way to put this in context: I’ve learned a lot about how the office is run based on how the server is organized (overcomplicated, lots of shit stuffed into digital corners, a lot of loose ends (think synthetic rope if anything)). The dynamic of my bosses’ personal and work relationships is easily understood via the server’s organization. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I think today she admitted that she tends to overcomplicate things. | I’m the type of person who is better at organizing, fixing, dealing with shit for other people. | I heard from the friend I wrote about toward the end of a recent post. She will attend the lecture on Monday and told me someone told her ice cream is good with olive oil. I don’t have an imagination of this because I can’t really eat ice cream. Sounds like a discovery someone bored at home made in the recovering-from-2008 years. I’m glad I will see her, but I’m sort of pissed off she didn’t make it to the opening of the _–she knows how much the work has meant and means to me. She knows the work saved my life, but didn’t even bother. _ told me she told this friend that _ing at _ was a bad professional move and maybe that’s what’s kept her away. I fear the day when _ tells me something that will keep me away. | I’ve been in a bad way and I decided that it has a lot to do with the work schedule and not being able to make food or shop for the food I want to eat. Everyone at work asks me if I’ve eaten lunch and sometimes I just want to tell them I’m not interested in the food around the office. No clue where any of that shit or the shit that’s in it is from. I need to make more of an effort to stop by the _ Farmers on the way to work some mornings. | This post is everywhere. | I miss my sister tremendously. I called my parents and neither of them were home. I’m particularly worried about my father. I sort of hate that my mom won’t retire and move to _ with him. It’s selfish of her to not have a five-year plan. | Dealings with writing and language have been particularly off/ott, and I’ve been sort of dissep about it. I’ve been struggling with it (basic things like communication, mumbling, trailing, constructing and …conducting? clear lines of thought) since I moved back to the States, but, by now, that was years ago. It’s as if I can’t see to the end of a sentence, a thought in my mind when I talk to other people. I attribute a lot of it to the amount of noise I’ve had to adjust to. | Enough. This is bullshit.

I was pretty happy when I got home. Things at work are happier when Captain Yale isn’t there. More shit gets done* and people tend to listen more when he isn’t around.** Expletives. When I quit the job, I’m going to buy him a bunch of balloons, probably those stupid hipster? millennial? letter ones, spell out YOU FUCK (expletives continue, sorry), or perhaps the more tame version (YOU SUCK), decorate his desk with them. Glad I just sorted that out. I was happy at work because I blazed through a bunch of shit that’d been sitting around their office since 2000? 2002? and threw out whatever I thought was just stupid to keep. Which is to write, I threw out and scanned a lot of paperwork. I don’t really know how or why things have accumulated in the way they have and don’t know what drives the compulsion to keep. Supplies, I understand, but not paperwork or printouts of Google Maps of places that have moved 1-3 times since the early 2000s because of mass gentrification throughout the island. I hate thinking that they’re stuck in a time–stop–that they’re has-beens chasing a time when they were actually making work (worth taking pride in (rather than being proud of)). Guess it’s not uncommon though, to get stuck in a time–I shouldn’t judge them. I was happy when I got home because the sun was still in the windows and I had time to work on and finish the 50 __s for a client. I’m excited to send them off. I also had time to make dinner. No texts from the office. And the store downstairs had the package that I thought was permanently misdelivered. Just a good 7-10pm even with the remnant fireworks exploding outside the windows. Back to the reason why I started this blog: I’m taking the teenager’s advice and hanging back until _ can get back to me when _’s figured shit out. That’s all I can really do right now. Oh well.