[VACUOUS BLANK:] I got a haircut. More like trim. More like correct my bangs because I cut them when I was delirious after 2.5 days with no sleep. And I haven’t slept for the same amount of time and I spent a good part of the day avoiding Captain Yale at work bc he said [My Name] when he walked into the office probs only bc I took yesterday off bc I have not been sleeping. But it hasn’t been 2.5 days, I mean, I finally got to sleep last night bc I took some sleeping pills. It took me 2 hours to get to sleep and I sprung outta bed as the alarm went off. I was still blanking crazy at work. Heart palpitations from not getting an 8 hour wink. The way he says my name is PERFECT and this is what made me avoid him. So the hair cut–like the hairdresser said, it is a perfect collaboration of our strengths. Though I don’t know what my strength in it was (maybe having the wherewithal to have always had the cut before it became an on point do). Can’t know. Don’t care. | Fears continue re the draft _ is supposed to have a look at. I swear I smell funny. | I got home, took some delicates to the laundromat bc that’s one thing they don’t process drop-off, bought a Cherry Coke Zero, thought WhoTF drinks this shit?, went back and picked up laundry, dinner (lil brick of tuna fish), tried to watch TV, and now I’m still waiting for at least one of my employers to email back about the submittal that is due in 1.5 hours. I guess if I don’t hear from either of them by 11, I’m taking it into my own hands and submitting the thing and they can bitch about it later. Today at work was ???? What the fuck did I do all day. | (Much later) Nevermind. Work sucked all day. And keeps sucking. My boss has some weird idea in her head that I worked there in 2016 and that I’m somehow responsible for accounting in 2016 but in REALITY I am not responsible for accounting or anything from 2016. The blanking blank! Sending emails to employees at 10:49 is whack just like crack just like ppl doing K2 on the street in plain sight whatever the blank K2 is. K2 sounds like the name of a ski run. | The coolest shit you can buy for $300:¹ | I look like a fool in the nicest jewelry I own, which is a pair of Japanese cultured pearl earrings that _’s _ _ _ when we _ _ _. | Togetherness! Now that’s just blanking novel!

I think the whole Smile when you talk on the phone, Smile when you’re writing something that should come off joy-filled when you’re ordinarily not or simply not IRL works. I don’t know that I did this while working on anything all day–a general thought is all. | I finished the website draft and am waiting for _ to send along _s for the 3 _s and I worry that _ won’t _ back _ _ with them _ _ _. But I tried to stay positive about it. While working on the website draft/update stuffffffffffff, my mind kept running with new projects and all the people with whom _’d like to run. The oddest thought was to someone I don’t quite get along with who once wrote (and other verbed), _ is _, true _ the _ the _ know, the _ sustained by _ that _ on its own _ and _s of it at last. I have been repeating versions of the sentiment all day–the sentiment is perfectly worded and I’m guessing the person who I don’t quite get along with has always been his own editor. | Erase the signs. | I bought tickets for the next League lecture but am not going because I have to do one of those things that sits in the Take Care of Yourself container. The only thing I do on a monthly basis that really makes me feel better even though it’s around someone who may not really get me. Who cares and understanding is impossible. But she doesn’t interrupt. Just like the decent Finance bro ex-roommate and his decent friends. I have been better with keeping that whole promise not to interrupt. Maybe to the point where I just never get a word in. | I used to write someone often–letters, whatever. Since we were 7 or something. We stopped writing last year after he visited New York. I have a few guesses why this happened. I don’t miss the exchange and strongly recommend that relationships built in words are kept at words. Who knows why that just crossed my mind. | Other weird blank that is on the brain, a bit of Nietzsche: It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. (The sentiment written by the homeboy I don’t get along with is more perfect that this even). | When I think of my mother and the home we grew up in, I sort of hate that she never changed the wallpaper that came with my room when we moved in. I think we would have had a better relationship had she. | I have been listening to the same five songs on my headphones on repeat for the last 5 hours. This describes me really well. When I took my headphones off, I realized I also had Dvorak playing full blast outside of headspace. This describes how shit has been pretty well. | Despite whatever I wrote about C in the last post, I sent her a template for a b_. I’m the sort of ahole that trusts the value of friendship no matter how crappy the other person treats the time that sits between us. Maybe I’m a bit of a pushover. A pushover who’s got great hair and looks tough. | I’d like to be high with Chopin and Haus Arafna playing simultaneously. Or maybe that’s a good funeral request. Maybe it’s all too much. | That sentiment, that sentiment, that sentiment, that sentiment, repeat—

L obliged to my conditions for dinner. One of them was sarcastic: That we sit, if possible, at a booth and side by side. | Another L–he’s in the hometown we share working on cars (same old shit), dreaming, thinking about his girl on the outskirts of this city, complaining about eBay parts that did not fit the project he was in front of (he was always good at assigning blame). He offered to bring my car across the country and I might take him up on it. | I w_d one of _ _’s _s online and (immatureishly:) fihatehim. I asked for a sign and BOOM the bearer sits a few feet away from me every day at–whatever, won’t get into it. | In a dream world he would quit his g_ and things would _ _ for _. Which is all very selfish. | Spent the day updating the _ website and only completed 30% of the work, which is what happens when I get some sleep (finally!!!! Rejoice!!!) and wake up a little late and really _ (I mean this morning I was inexcusably _ and did nothing about it). | My friend? who lives 4 blocks south of me sent me a few emails: one about a show she will be in in RH starting at the end of the month, another about the curator picking up the work (her) just now and some paintings she feels like she should sell, another message about working on a b_ together. I don’t really know about the last email. I don’t know that I can work with someone who’s supposed to be a friend who can’t just walk up _ 4 blocks to say hello or use my printer or demand that I whip up some duck or fries with peppered lime dipping sauce or both. I can’t wait to make a friend in this city who’d make the time I would for them. | None of the 4 people I emailed at work (2 Principals, 2 Project Managers) emailed me back about the s_ I worked through on Friday. This set me off a little bit because this is how deadlines stay met at the last minute. All they have to do is look through and read the blanking thing, but they’re all too busy pretending they are busy. I had a terrible dream where I went to a neighboring State with one of them and we both got along and got dinner together. I’ve never had a work (read 9 to 5 or any of the freelancing really) dream, so– | I made crêpes this morning and sort of wished I had someone to feed them to and missed my old Finance-bro roommate who would cook around with me when we both still had take-home work to complete. I complained so much in the past about all the shitty assholes I lived with to the point where I completely forgot about him. He had such a decent way about him. Even his friends were decent people who would greet everyone in the house when they’d come over. | I didn’t leave the house and broke the laundry routine and will probably force myself to make up for it tomorrow. | I miss _ in a disastrous way. I found an image of _ in my wallet, sort of stared at it for a while. By now it’s all impossible. | Tried to reach my parents, mostly to talk to my mother about how she is dealing with her _ diagnosis (there I wrote it in a ugetthepic sort of way), no one was home. Worried. Tried to reach my sister, who I suspect spent a good part of the past day in front of some spectacle of modern architecture.

JHo and her whole bit about maintaining a fantasy life, but I know I am recalling that incorrectly because fantasy world b has me distracted and is completely inappropriate.¹ There are 4 fantasy worlds that I get caught in–when I am caught in fantasy world a, I have a hard time getting out. Entering fantasy world a has been easier than usual (read it happens without notice, unconsciously), fantasy world b is a recent development and happens only when I am at work, fantasy world c happens when exchanging any form of correspondence with _ and fantasy world d is similar to c but involves another person. Fantasy world b started on Wednesday and it is completely inappropriate. The subject of fantasy world b is an inappropriate human being irl and you’ve read all about it. Outside of the irl we share he is okay or I am trying to be that ahole who gives him a chance. LOL.| I am sitting awkwardly close to two people on the 6 train which is delayed for whatever reason–suggested stopgap is the R to 14th but I am somewhat lazy right now. One of the two people walked on with giant prints mounted on cardboard, trying to discern the image past her hands arm through her hair.² I could just ask but I am not chewing gum. | The intern left and I am a little pissed off because they didn’t hire her as a junior architect. No I’m really fucking pissed off about it because she was exceedingly capable and lets just face it–we got along swimmingly and there was no power struggle and whatever. I wish I was in good enough standing with the Principals to ask that they reconsider. She sent along images of the model we worked on together and I was in one of them which was awkward bc I haven’t been in a photo anyone has taken since May of last year. I mean I can’t even look in the mirror or sit not across from someone on the train or across the extended door frames on the train because I don’t want to see my reflection. I think I am writing about this because I think the photo she took looked–it felt like an honest representation of how I feel as a person. Awkward dumb intimidating a little unapproachable good hair whatever!! When we took her Goodbye out on Wednesday evening, I gave her my favorite lemon shaped coin purse and all the cigarettes from the emergency stash in my bag, which was good because I shouldn’t keep them around because I am a non-smoker now. | All else is some exchange with the subject of fantasy world c, who shares a sign with the subject of fantasy world d; I don’t know why he has spent the last few emails insisting that we share a meal, but I may oblige because it’s always nice to see him despite his whole girl situation and we’re friends. The exchange was my fault because I sent an email begging that he group me into a Y_P n_n just in case he was n_d this year–maybe a selfish request in not wanting to be left out of an/that sort of opportunity. I figured his current boss would n_e him. | I will try to stay out of fantasy world b because b shares a sign with a and dealing with all their shit collectively as a sign is just overwhelming (read with an unnecessary emphasis on the silent h). | We stand there sort of bonding, I can’t remember if he offered the cigarette, but he’s on a call with _ and I’m smoking like I’m in college and he’s ignoring his cigarette because of the call and it’s raining around us and he made room for me on the step because it wasn’t raining there and maybe he made me feel like I existed in his world and holy hell I could keep going with this but I won’t. | The UPS guy at work laughed out loud when I holy moley-ed his delivery and I didn’t know what to do so I went with it. | I paid him (back) $2 for 3 cigarettes. If a pack is $13 then I overpaid him 5¢. | Have a great fucking weekend if u read this far!!!

The eclipse the eclipse the eclipse. | Asked the new intern to join me. Viva two giant balls of rock. Viva workers ditching work. Viva conversations with strangers. Viva this city when it’s thrown a curveball. Sat in the trisland formed by Canal, _ and _. There are only 2 take yr pick. New lunch spot. Wood benches. | Nice surprise in the mail (used book, review insert from 2002).¹ Arrived at home box rather than PO Box. Wrapped in constellation paper. Odd. | Captain Yale and Principal argue about whether park should be above off bar bridge building. Former against, latter in favor. Former just another highline, Latter argues it could be more romantic. Former sucks life out of everything like black hole, Latter goes down the black hole every so often but still remembers hole has edges. White holin my ideas, give them nothing. Lil one is puzzled why all the decisions seem so trivial. Kid whose seen a full eclipse in a country where one’d probably make everything feel a bit Doomsday says urban farming. Back to Former and Latter: How about a weed farm and a VLA and some blankin windmills u… Building is a disaster. Shit sucks when the Logic Department, otherwise known as Captain Yale’s equal (the other project manager I didn’t mean to nickname) is in the office. She just kind of kicks their shit back up their aholes. 👢 [Hole emoji] | Sentimental reversions while looking through black at giant balls of rock. All the blank I avoid writing about on here. 2079, I won’t make it, but the person I avoid writing about will. | I see Gretzky’s profile as someone on the train says You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. to the person sitting next to them. Sayer is reading a book on self compassion. Hearer compassionately nods a Yeah sure whatevs at him, iPhone 6 backed in lenticular solar system. | Was in a decent mood today. Didn’t really feel like kicking Captain Yale in the teeth at work. Sometimes work is just 9 hrs of watching 3 of 7 people in the office lick their blanks or pick ticks, lice and flies off each other. Planet of the Apes. | Back on the blues, but this batch of 100 is dye free. Enables me to work through the day with no lunch break which gives me some excuse to leave 15 minutes early. Dreamless sleep, can’t obsess about __ in dreamspace. Which is all for the best. No more work out of dreams unless it’s fr 9 to 5 moonlighting for the win. | Most recently inboxed: Guy thanking three people for something _ made, guy was at ninja retreat a few weeks ago and in-lines his TedTalk vid w every email he sends out. Dude’s in his own universe.

I’m really excited for the eclipse even though this city gets a partial. I joined several dozen New Yorkers in the procrastinated purchase of fold-them-yourself eclipse glasses at that retailer that very few of the several dozen don’t really care to support (I’m not thrilled that I went there to purchase them and I can’t stress this enough). Fortunately, I bought them on-line right as the Shabbat window opened last night and picked them up this morning. No wait! One pair goes on my face, another gets chopped up and taped onto my old iPhone’s camera lens, two will be sent to someone who gets an eclipse in early 2018, and the last pair is a paranoid double for my face or the coworker I like the most. I don’t know why I’m excited to see the eclipse. I don’t know why something as stupid as eclipse glasses motivated me enough to leave the apartment. I don’t know where in T to hang around to catch a good glimpse. I hope to see something like Debord’s 1983 cover.¹ | I finalized the layout for some _ yesterday. I can’t wait for production mode and am excited to see how it will turn out. I don’t know that it makes any sense, but the part of me that is trying not to think of all my work as shit thinks that it makes enough sense. Appropriate appropriationists sort of shit. It’s fine, it will be all be fine. I will blaze through production mode and will be itching for the next project. All of which came early this year–typically this comes over me right as fall starts. I’m a bit unhappy about this because I know it means I’m distracting myself from all the things I have to do. Things I should be more committed to. | On my way to grab glasses, I passed the ESB, which is easily my favorite building in NY (favorite when viewed from the water) even with all the emo hullabaloo that I have associated with it. From Tourists mouths while passing So where is the ESB? Do you think we can skip this? I think this is it. I’ve always liked that there isn’t some grand plaza built around it. | What am I writing about. | Has David Graeber ever worked a “bullshit job”?² My employers sent that² out as an aside to one of the bullshit Skype-meetings they hold with the entire office / they waste 4 hours of everyone’s bullshit time on to get absolutely 0 bullshit done (on time). Sometimes I wish at least one of them would think twice before sending out a bullshit email on bullshit jobs because she’s vieux riche backed and thinks she’s clever in sending the email because she thinks it will get us to work harder. 8 months in and I still haven’t seen her make any architecture. To makes matters worse, these Skype meetings occur outside of office hours because they can’t stuff it into a 9 hr day that should be enough for an office of 10 people to bust out some serious bullshit. At this point, I’m not even worried about what’s obvious and what’s not. I spend a lot of time at my bullshit job wondering when I’ll be fired for irreconcilable differences in views on productivity and making deadlines. | I guess the 10+ hr workday is common in architecture. I wonder when a band of firms will try to correct this. Yr not a perfectionist if you can’t master time. | Ina Garten knows what’s up and down inside out and barefooted and socked and shoed with her lemon cake. 🍋³

My coworker shit his pants a lil during lunchtime and there was a spot on his jeans on the walk back. He was fortunate in that the rounded hem of his patterned shirt covered the spot. He didn’t really notice, but I didn’t know how to bring up the shit spot so I didn’t say anything and I felt like a real ahole (pun intended) for not saying anything and for a good part of the afternoon. Intern 1 is leaving and this bugs because she was the hardest worker in the pack. I gifted her two T_ eraser sticks that I use often, that I figure she might find useful and some old, but sort of new considering the project revival that’s been happening around me, work and told her it was all Some shit I made. I think it’s important to casually call work shit because it’s all shit unless– … I sort of hate how quickly people come and go at work, but I’ll eventually be one of those people and maybe that is okay. I doubt I will leave in the same way. | It’s raining and thundering over the island–this chills everyone the blank out a lil bit. It’s more quiet. All the aholes in the hood who blast generally obscene music on the street can’t park it, so I’m happy. I really don’t mind Latin Top 40 bc it’s not … th/pumpy?? and crass. It just has a sort of dumb beat. A grocery store opened across the street and another will be opening down the street–no rezoning on those sites/the mayor’s, like, Keep the poor zones densified and affordable for those who’d like to stay (blunt gentrification is what NYT wrote). New Yorkers who aren’t poor are poor in their own ways / this city makes everyone poor in some way. | I keep getting distracted from completing this post. | Personal work is fine, but I need to take a break from the 9 to 5 in order to complete it. I don’t know what excuse I’ll come up with but I’ll come up with something. I spent 3 days on a _ that didn’t come back right, so I had to get it _-_. I think the next batch will be just right, or right enough to send a version to the person I avoid writing about. What other work–I need to finish assembling some _s, write through some article for _, dye a batch of plastic pieces in a _ _. My general fear of failure / not getting things right the first try has been keeping me from heaps of work. I think I blamed my mother for this fear in the past, some shit she said to me when I was 6 or 7, but I think I’m over it. Or I run I have a blanking 9 to 5 she should be happy I am making an effort to participate in Reality even though I don’t believe in it. through the pink. Good whomever, it’s just plastic pieces, it’s just an article, it’s just paper, it’s JUST a job–all of which should have nothing to do with my mother. | I ran into some people I wrote about for _ on the train and it was awkward, or I made it intentionally awkward because I think they caught onto my whole IRL never go into detail about yrself shit, always divert by letting the other person go into detail about their shit. I mean I may have asked too many questions and probably didn’t flatter them as much as they would’ve liked. Awkward Too because I have been working on enunciaTing my Ts and Ds. Yesterday, train ride south, ran into some people I used as subjects for a–really a pair of people who I’d never see again in my life and they were just there. Just two really soft-spoken people with tender mannerisms. Back to the other two: After they got off the train, some tallish man who looked like a cross between Alex Katz, Bill Cunningham and Kenneth Frampton in this shirt and hat¹ (but black) of Picasso’s and all else black got on the train, stood his umbrella between his knees and sat to read his paper. He’s going to save 25% somewhere–he tore out the coupon like a kid opening birthday presents with a controlled sort of shame. | My shame around / that envelopes the job I work mostly for my mother is a full-blown shame. 🔫 | Really blanking excited for this weekend. It’s going to be a productive one.